summer job

in dread and desperation
with death inside me
i stood on the small back porch
off the kitchen 
short of breath and smoking
staring into the almost two tone yellow and green
of the state forest in midsummer sun
the entire periphery so bright
vision reduced to pinhole 
at an arbitrary and anonymous leaf
the bushes, trees and deer indifferent 
the pond and trout indifferent 
the kitchen indifferent, the guests indifferent 
my mind in crisis indifferent 
my chest ablaze in absence of a heart
death burning in its cavity 
stoked by mind of doom
my heart far far through the forest 
up and over, south and west 
tens of thousands of dollars away

i never got the funds 
but i got it back 
or grew a new one 
no, i unmasked death to find it was just my heart
sometimes black and red with fury but still mine
and now i let it scream or burn
hear it just as when it sings or radiates
inside me where it will remain 
and death sits across the forest 
and i’m just walking slow with my glowing heart 
i keep my shoulders down 
my breath low and my eye scanning
whistling a tune about our meeting